My Apologies

I have to apologize. Before I got pregnant I didn’t understand. As one who had never been pregnant I didn’t realize what implications a simple, well meaning, observation could have. Let me explain. I saw pregnancy as a thing of beauty. I was so happy watching my friends’ progress in their pregnancies. As their little baby grew bigger, inevitably so did their belly. As they entered their third trimester I may have said, albeit well meaning and adoringly, “you are getting so big, how exciting!”  What I meant by that was “I’m so excited your little one is coming soon and your adorable, growing tummy is proof. You look fantastic by the way.”  But alas, that is not what I said… and what I might as well of said was “Holy Smokes! You are getting HUGE! When is that baby coming? Not soon enough by the looks of it.”

I obviously don’t speak for all pregnant women or any pregnant women really, but I feel like someone needs to educate society on things you should and should NOT say to a pregnant women. I understand most of it is meant in the very nicest of ways and in a polite attempt at conversation. I get it, I’ve been there. But now I’m here, rounding the corner to eight months pregnant, and I just want people to know what is going through my head when someone tries to engage me in a polite conversation about my pregnancy and appearance.

I first should start by admitting that I’ve never loved my body. I have a very distinct memory of myself at age five, looking down at my pudgy fingers and little belly bulging in a swimsuit and thinking “I’m fat.” Five years old, and I thought that. I look at pictures of my 5 year old self now and laugh because I wasn’t fat, I was adorable (minus the bowl haircut and coke bottle glasses, but that’s another story.) I just wasn’t supper skinny like my best friend. Those feelings of having an inadequate body have plagued me my whole life. Even in the times when my weight was at its lowest and I looked great, I still thought it wasn’t good enough. With every bite I take I think about how many calories I am consuming, with every piece of chocolate, large or small, the guilt is lingering in the back of my head. I don’t think I’m alone in the way I feel about my body though. I think a lot of women have an unrealistic idea of what they should look like because of the media. Again, that’s another post for another day, but the background is necessary.

I had someone come up to me the other day. The conversation went something like this.

“Hi! I didn’t even recognize you! You look so different. Your face looks completely different. You can definitely tell you’re pregnant.” 

I didn’t have much to add to the brief encounter because I was a little taken aback. I was trying to tell myself that the comments were not meant as I had taken them. To me this person had just said,

“Oh My Word! Kristin, is that you? Holy Cow, {^Thought bubble – she looks like a cow^} you’re face is so big and bloated and your belly is really getting big. You look huge and pregnant these days.”

I know this person was not trying to be rude. I know they meant well. However, it made me feel horrible. I promptly threw away the cookie I was about to eat and went away to sulk. 

A few days later another friendly person approached me and asked how my pregnancy was going. This time they asked if I was having a boy or a girl. When I responded that I was having a girl they then told me they thought so because of the way I looked. When they were pregnant with their girl they gained their weight on their hips, thighs and bottom as well.

Perfect, now not only does my face look fat, my hips, thighs and bottom are noticeably larger. I understand that this happens in pregnancy. I’m dealing with it, but I don’t want others to point it out. I just want them to tell me I look great.

Another person saw me and commented on how big my belly looked and how I must be ready to have the baby already. I had already fought with my shrinking wardrobe that morning to find an outfit that FIT, not even one that was flattering. {At this point I just want to wear shirts that don’t make me look like Mr. Schmee.} Look, I know my belly is big, and it’s going to get A LOT bigger… What will people say to me in 8 more weeks?

Then there is the ever present, way to frequent, “Are you tired? You look like you’re having a rough day.” To these people I want to respond…

“Tired?  No! I feel great! I got 10 hours of sleep last night. You must be referring to the bags under my eyes and my swollen face. Those are pregnancy related and I can’t do anything about it.”

Friends, I’m pregnant. I recognize that my body is changing. As someone who has spent the majority of her life stepping on a scale in the morning hoping it reads a little less than the day before, it is HARD to step on it and see it read 20, 25, or 30 lbs. MORE than it EVER has. I understand that I’m growing another human inside and that this is a natural thing, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I am trying to stay healthy while pregnant. I exercise a few times a week, snack on fruits and veggies, small portions… blah, blah, blah. But I only have some control over what my body is going to do. Hormones can be a beast and I’m trying to handle all the changes pregnancy is making on my body with grace {and a bit of humor, sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh.} 

All of this said; please understand I am GRATEFUL for these changes to my body, because I know what they mean. My body is creating and carrying a miracle and I feel so blessed to be able to have this experience. I wouldn’t trade any of it. Not the bags under my eye, my bloated fingers and face, not my widening hips or my large belly.  I LOVE that I am blessed each day to look down at my big belly and see my baby moving. I LOVE THAT! I recognize that some women would do anything to have the experience of pregnancy, so I won’t for one minute complain about any of it. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to explain that while you may think that you are making polite conversation with your pregnant friend you could actually be making them feel self conscious about their ever changing body. Doesn’t everyone women what to feel beautiful? Young or old, skinny or obese, pregnant or not, it doesn’t matter, we ALL want to feel beautiful. 

So what should you say to a pregnant friend? Try something like, “You look great!” “You are glowing! “ “I’m so excited for you. I can’t wait to meet your little one.” “You’re eight months pregnant? You look so small!” All of these would be acceptable. And if I truly do look terrible, and you can’t stand the thought of lying to me about the way I look… then just don’t say anything about my pregnancy. I don’t need to talk about pregnancy all the time. Talk to me like I’m not pregnant. If you want to make polite conversation, ask about the weather or my weekend.  It’s doesn’t matter I’m pretty friendly and good at keeping a conversation going. 

There I said it. I feel so much better now. If you think you have made a comment to someone that could have been misinterpreted, don’t worry. You’re forgiven. I know you didn’t mean to and you had the best of intentions. Now you know for next time what you might say instead. :) Your welcome!