Wednesday, March 19, 2014

And At Last I See The Light

I've been a mom for 14 weeks today and I have recorded very few of my feelings on the matter. In some ways I feel guilty. Motherhood has been an amazing, rewarding and {for the most part} enjoyable experience and I want to remember all of these tender, precious thoughts as I experience this for the first time. I also have this new complex and fear that if {heaven forbid} something happens to me I want my children to know what a joy they were to me. I don't keep a written journal (maybe one day) so this blog is the only way for them to "get to know me." On the other hand, my lack of writing speaks to the fact that {most} of my free time is spent snuggling, singing and swooning over my babe. None the less I need to write a few things while my little is cooing away to disney songs (#startthemyoung.)

As I mentioned Eden is listening to Disney songs. We love the Disney Pandora music station. I'm almost embarrassed to admit I know most the words to every song that is played. We spend hours (literally) singing together, Eden is quite the vocalist you know. Today one of my favorite songs came on. It's called "I See The Light" from the movie Tangled. I was surprised that as I sang the words I was overcome with emotion as I listened to the lyrics and applied them to my life. Some of the lyrics go...

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's oh so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

 Aren't those words the perfect way to describe being a new parent? I feel that for years I have been in conversations (yet somehow outside of them) involving children and parenting. While I have learned a lot from several of these conversations I still always felt like I was just watching and not a part of these conversations. I felt I had nothing of value to add as I had no real experience of my own. I was ok with all of that though. After all, I was the one who chose to wait five years before starting a family. I had my reasons and I was content to watch everyone else raise their families. While I am still glad I was able to have some of the life experience that being childless afforded me, I feel like I was blinded by my own ambitions and desires. Now I know how wonderful being a mom truly is. And maybe I'm having such a remarkable experience because I waited until I was ready for it. None the less, now I'm here and its "oh so clean, I'm where I'm meant to be." I've seen the light so to speak. 

The last few lines are my favorite though. The world totally shifts when you see your little one for the first time. Suddenly you stop living your life for yourself and life becomes solely for them. In seconds you become their everything and they become yours. Such a remarkable experience. 

I've been so blessed with Eden. She is everything I could have ever hoped for in a daughter. I often dream about how are spirits must be connected somehow. I have always felt such a strong love and connection to my mother that I'm certain our spirits were great friends before we came to earth. I can only hope that I am so deeply connected to my own daughter. I hope she is like me in some ways. I hope she is a peacemaker and unifier of our family, as I am to mine. I hope she is strong and independent, someone who can stand up for what she believes in regardless of what others think. In other ways I hope she is like Mike. I hope she is more relaxed and comedic. I hope she has a thirst to understand how things work and how she can make things better. I hope she is personable and sure of herself. But most of all I hope she is happy. I hope she knows how loved she is and how special she is to us. 

I've spent so many hours gazing into her eyes searching her spirit, trying to know and understand her. I feel like there are these fleeting moments where I can almost grasp who she is and how blessed we are that she chose us to be her parents. We are so blessed to be parents and I can hardly wait to be a mom to the other children who are waiting to come to our family. As it says in Psalms 127:3 "Children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."


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