Finding Joy in the Journey: The Love/Hate of Parenthood

Monday, February 10, 2014

The Love/Hate of Parenthood

I can't believe my little one is only a day away from being a two month old. The past two months seems to run together into one big blur. I feel like I've been in a constant cycle of feed, burp, swaddle, sleep, rinse, wash, repeat. Everyone talks about how slow time seems to go in the moment but then how fast it goes when you look back. Its true, and I hate it. I feel like being a parent, for me, has been a love hate relationship. Before you get offended let me explain. I hate that in the past two months my baby has doubled her weight. I hate that we've had to say goodbye to preemie diapers and newborn clothes. I hate that her tiny little wimper cry is sounding more gown up each day. I hate that with each moment that passes she needs me less and less. She needs less help supporting her head, needs less help falling asleep. But yet, at the same time I love it. I love watching her get stronger and more independent. I love day dreaming about what she will be like as she gets older. I love the flicker of recognition she gives me when I look into her eyes. I love nursing her, even though I have a low milk supply and after 20-30 min of nursing I still have to feed her a bottle. I love burping her, even though it always ends with me covered in her spit up. I love rocking her to sleep, even if its the middle of the night and I can barley keep my eyes open. I love holding her, even though it means my house is a mess, my stomach is growling and my bladder is at its limit. I love smelling her head and her baby breath, even though in the past I heard moms say that and I cringed. There is so much to love about motherhood, but then so much to hate as you realize this time goes by WAY TO FAST! It's not fair. I long for her to be a week old again and at the same time I wish she was older so we could have deep, moving conversations. Sigh... Oh well, I guess this is why some people end up with a dozen kids, they miss those newborn moments in their entirety.

I haven't been good about writing much for each day of Edens life. I do have this great book I got as a shower gift that I have been writing in a little each day. However, I have been pretty good about taking pictures of her. I don't pretend to be a photographer, although I'd love to be one day, so they aren't artsy and edited. What they are is moments in time I had to capture. That darling outfit I was dying over, the elvis impression I had to share, that peaceful face when she slept that I didn't want to ever forget. Those are the pictures that I took. Although they aren't fancy and artistic, to me they are dear and priceless. Naturally, I must share them. I'll share a few for (*almost*) every day of her life since we brought her home from the NICU.

Friday Dec 20th, 2013