It goes without saying that this General Conference was one for the books. President Monson opened the first session of conference by announcing that the church was lowering the age requirement for missionary service. Young men can now serve at 18 (provided they have graduate high school) and young women can now serve at age 19, rather than 21. I was so excited to hear this news, but instantly felt a little cheated. My mother served a mission and always encouraged all her children (regardless of gender) to serve a mission as well. I always had that desire to serve. I remember a time in the fall of 2006 (when I was 19 years old) really wanting to serve a mission, RIGHT THEN. A lot of my guy friends were serving missions and I felt really left out. I remember walking through the gardens at BYU-I and looking at the temple being built in the distance and having such a strong desire to receive my endowments and go serve the Lord. I was annoyed that I had to wait till I was 21, it was such a long way away. In January of 2008, I started to get antsy again. This time it wasn't so much a feeling that I had to go on a mission right then, but more of a strong desire for spiritual progression. Which I could only assume was receiving my temple endowments. I was not dating anyone at the time and figured surly I wouldn't being going to the temple to be cealed anytime soon. One Sunday in mid to late January I went and meet with my bishop. I wanted to get the paperwork and ball moving on my mission papers so that I could submit them right when I was eligible (I think it was 90 or 120 days from the day you turned 21.) I wanted to enter the MTC the first day I was able to. My mom was so excited to think that I (her boy crazy daughter) had lasted three years at BYU-I [do] without getting married and was really going on a mission. A few days later I met Mike. Although we all know how the story ended I spent A LOT of time in the temple that semester. I pondered, and prayed to know what path to take. My patriarchal blessing tells me I will serve a special mission, so I debated on the meaning and timing of that. After much fasting and prayer I received that answer that "it was up to me." Both of my choices were worthy desires, both would bless my life and lead me on the path to eternal life and exhalation so why would either be wrong? In the end I decided that I couldn't take the chance of loosing someone like Mike. He was everything I was looking for in a spouse, he had the most loving family who I knew would set the greatest example of righteous living for our children. I could see my life with him clearly and decided that was what I wanted. So in the end I didn't go. How different my story would have been had this recent announcement been made 6 years ago? There is no doubt in my mind that I would have served a mission. I am so excited (and just a touch jealous) of all the YW who will now serve missions. What a blessing, I hope my sisters take advantage of it. As for me, I am still waiting to see what my special mission is. Maybe we will go on a "mature couples" mission, maybe Mike will be called as a mission President, maybe I will be called to serve in the General Relief Society or Young Women's presidency one day, or maybe it will be a little more subtile than all that. Who knows, but I anxiously await to serve the Lord in the special way he has planned for me.
While many, if not all, the talks given this year were wonderful there are some that have left impressions on me. As this is, as it stands, my journal I would like to record a few of those impressions and thoughts. Sis Dibbs of the general YW presidency gave a great talk, in which she coined the phrase "I'm a Mormon. I know it, I live it, I love it." Those simple words really struck me. There is so much more to missionary work then just saying I am a mormon. There is also, in most cases, a noticeable difference in the way faithful Mormons live their beliefs vs how the other people of various faiths live their beliefs. For example the phrase "I know it" stands to say "I know this gospel." Years ago when I was nannying, the women who's children I tended would ask me my beliefs on a number of different topics. Each time I would respond with an answer for her. I have been taught from my childhood the principles of the gospel and what it means to live as a faithful member of the church. She was astonished that I always had an answer for her, once she made the comment that "Mormons sure do know a lot about their faith, not many other people do." Meaning the people who she met of others faiths weren't always able to answer questions about their own belief system. This struck me as a bit strange until one time I asked one of my catholic friends a question about their church, and they had not a clue what the answer was. Now I am not saying that people of other faiths are always unsure of what they believe exactly. I am just noting that in some cases people view religion as a Sunday affair and learn only the basics. They neglect to search their own books of scripture for a more personal witness of their faith. Which brings me to the next point "I live it." As members of the church we strive to live the gospel in every way we can. Sometimes we fall shorts, as we are still subject to the natural man, but we strive to do our best. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints is not just a religion, it is a life style. We attend church three hours a week, we abstain from alcohol, coffee, tea, drugs and premarital relations. We are encouraged to not just read, but study our books of scripture daily and to really learn for ourselves the teachings they contains. We are taught to pray no less than 5 times a day (morning, every meal and night) and to turn to the Lord any other time throughout the day that we may need his help. We are asked to donate 10% of our income, as well as give up the money we would have spent on two meals to the church each month so that money can support those in finical need. We hold callings in our church that we do not receive payment for, even though sometimes those callings can require much time and effort from us. We are asked to provide service for those in need and to be on the look out for such opportunities. Being a member of this church is not just a Sunday thing, it is a lifestyle, one that I love! Which brings me to the last phrase "I love it!" How much do I love this church? There are not words to explain how much. Everything that is good about me is because of this church. I am a good teacher, because I was given several opportunities as a child, youth and still as an adult to teach in sunday school, YW and sacrament. I am a leader because this church gave me the opportunity to develop leadership skills as a youth. I am a good wife because I know and understand the sacred covenant I have made with the Lord and my Husband to respect, honor, love and serve them. I am a good daughter and sister because I know the importance of family. I know that there is nothing more precious, more valuable, or worth fighting for on this earth. I am kind, understanding, honest, virtuous, sincere and generous because these values have been instilled in me since I was a small child. I was taught to respect all people and to look outside their faults and see the person the Lord saw when he looked at them. I love the teachings of this gospel. I love my Savior, Heavenly Father, Joseph Smith and all the modern day prophets and apostles who have taught me so much. In fact, there is nothing I love more on this earth than the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Because of this gospel I know that I will be with my family for all eternity. Because of it I have never had to ask the questions, where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? I never even had to ask "who am I?" because I have always known that I am a beloved daughter of my Heavenly Father who has divine worth an eternal destiny. I am not perfect, I am still far from it, but I know as I humble myself to the Lord and constantly seek his will my flaws will become less and my countenance will more closely match his. I will never find perfection in this life, but because of this gospel I will constantly be striving to get as close as I can in this life.
There were several talks on missionary work and the joys of serving a full time mission. I wept through those talks. Not because I was bitter that I was not among the 19 year old YW who could now serve, no, I wept for my brother. When I was a child I was always told that my actions effected the whole family. I didn't really believe that. Who cares if I broke curfew or told a white lie? Those things didn't make a difference to my parent or siblings, if I made a wrong choice I was only hurting myself. As an adult with a little more life experience behind me I can see how wrong my school of thought was. My brother, who I love so dearly, is having a hard time finding himself. I think maybe he thinks he knows who he is, but as a spectator it is clear to me that he still isn't sure. He is making choices in his life that while acceptable by the world standard are unacceptable by the Lord standards. He has decided not to serve a mission. And while I feel I have a close relationship with him the church is one topic I have tried to avoid with him. I do this only because I know that he knows what I believe, what I think is right and I don't need to remind him of that. Because I don't know where he stands in the church I can only make assumptions, which I try not to do. But one thing I do know, is he has told us he is not serving a mission. That breaks my heart. Maybe it's because I had such a strong desire to serve one that I don't know why he would miss out on this opportunity. But mostly it is because I know he is only hurting himself. He is denying himself of an opportunity that will change his life, a chance to serve those in need and really touch the lives of other people. A chance to share the good news of the restoration and to find those who are truly seeking for the truth and knowledge the gospel contains. Serving a mission is not just a priesthood responsibility it is a duty. In the Doctrine and Covenants that Lord says "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say ye have no promise." This is a concept I know he once knew and understood. I remember having a conversation with him one night about my other brother. At that time Bryant was not living the gospel to it's fullest extent and we were concerned for him. Andrew made the comment to me "Doesn't Bryant know that when he does things like this, that are wrong, the Lord can't bless him? He isn't going to get a football scholarship or things that he want if he doesn't do as the Lord asked." That struck me because I was so impressed that at 14 Andrew understood that concept so well. No he is making the choice not to serve a mission, which is what the Lord wants him to do, and he is facing all sorts of road blocks in his life. He thinks it is my parents trying to punish him for not going on a mission or unfair circumstances, but I think it is the Lord. The Lord does not have the power to bless him because he is not living up to the covenants he has made as a priesthood holder. He had no promise.... And as a sister (who acts more like a mother) I am having a hard time watching all of this. I have a hard time seeing how it effects my parents, as they question their parenting skills. I have spent so many nights in tears as I pray for him and fast for him, and yet nothing changes. That is because it is part of the plan to allow HF children to have agency and Andrew is practicing him. I just hope not at the cost of his eternal salvation. But I won't give up praying for him. Pres Monson told the story of a boy scout who stopped to help he and his wife one cold winter night. This boy was LDS but had decided not to go on a mission. Later that week Pres Monson wrote him a letter and included his book and encouraged him to give a mission more thought. The next week Pres Monson received a call from the boys mother. She said he was a good boy, but not making the right choice. That she and her husband had been praying and fasting and putting his name on the prayer roll of the temple and hoped he would change his mind. She saw her sons meeting with Pres Monson as an answer to her prayers, and he agreed. Months later Pre Monson was at this boys mission farwell. So just as this mother didn't give up on her son. I will not give up on my brother, I will keep praying for a change of heart. If not to serve a mission then just for him to attend church more regularly and to strengthen his testimony of the gospel. Oh the joys of being the oldest child... or maybe I just care more than normal.
Some phrases I jotted down were
*First observe, then serve
* Pray with all energy of heart
*Do you Love me? - from Elder Holland's powerful talk on Peter and the other disciples after Christ death. He always gives the most powerful talks. He took a few verses of scripture and just expanded on it so much that it was mind blowing.
*We will never look back
* Never postpone a prompting
* Pray to find those to serve
* Don't dwell on the negative but look for even the seemingly small but positive things.
*He is aware of our needs and we should call upon Him for even the smallest of needs.
Then I wrote *keep praying for Andrew*
I love that in general conference you listen to great talks but then during these great talking little things pop into your mind that relate to your own life. How you can live this concept better or someone you can serve. Just personal revelation just for you that may have nothing to do with the talk but because you are spiritually in tune already you can hear the spirit speaking to your heart a little more clearly...
There is of course one talk that is always meant for you. To my friends and family it was obvious which one was meant for me, which was shown by the wave of text messages I received once the talk ended. It was Elder Scotts talk on family history. I think I will write more about that later as this entry is far to long for today.
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