Hard Knock Life

Do you know what? It is HARD, HARD, HARD to be the oldest sibling. I don't know if a lot of people realize how hard it is. Ever since I can remember I have felt like it was my personal responsibility to make sure that A) Everyone is happy and B) Everyone is making the choices that will bring them eternal joy and not temporal happiness. I also feel a great need to have a close meaningful relationships with every member of my family. I want them to feel like they (even my parents) can come to me for advice, to vent or just to talk for no reason. So it is hard on me when I feel like my brothers don't really care much to talk to me or about my opinion.

My brother Bryant just got home from his mission. I wrote him almost every week while he was gone. I cried so many times because I missed him so much and just couldn't wait till he got home. But now that he is home I sort of wish he was still on his mission. Then he would still be writing me and telling me what a great sister I was. But now that he is home and has big life decisions to make I give him my advise and opinions and her says "I can't talk to Kristin she sounds just like mom." Which I would take as a compliment but I know coming from him is more of a put down. He also looks at what Mike and I have (which is not much, but a little more than a RM college student) and says "Doesn't it make you angry that Kristin is doing so well?" Since when has that been a bad thing? I find joy in the success of my siblings/family members and friends. It is just amazing and heartbreaking that the people you love the most can hurt you the deepest.

My brother Andrew is going to graduate from High School in a month. He was not accepted to BYU but was accepted to BYU-I (a school he is less than thrilled about) and Ohio University (a school more known for its partying than academics.) He also has a lot of tough decisions to make. He is trying to figure out if he wants to go on a mission, what school to go to and what he wants to do with his life. I know that is a hard spot to be in. I just wish I could make all the decision for him. Because I have enough real life experience to know what will bring him true happiness and what will be short lived.

But if I did that I would be like Lucifer in a way. Taking away agency and forcing them to do the right thing. And we know that disrupts the plan of Salvation. At any rate these past few months I have been learning a small portion of what it must be like for our Brother Jesus Christ. I love my brothers and sister soo soo much. With every decisions I have made the thoughts "what type of an example am I being to my siblings" crossed my mind. I have done the best that I can to set a good example for them. Although my example is not as spotless and clean as the one of our Savior I feel it is still one to be proud of.

I can understand why our Savior died for us. I would give my life if I knew in turn the lives of my brothers and sisters would be improved. I would do anything to make it so they would never have to endure pain, feel sorrow or walk on the wrong path. Just as our Savior would. BUT I have to let them. I have to do my best to step back and let them use their agency. It is so hard sometimes. Especially when they make the wrong choice (and we all do sometimes.) But I still love them deeply. Even when they hurt my feelings or make fun of me, I still love them. Just as the Savior did the men who crucified him.

I'm not trying to make myself look as holy and perfect as the Savior or compare my mortal love for my family to the eternal love of our But I can finally understand it better than I have even been able to before.

So on this Easter Sunday I think of my Brother Jesus Christ and the sacrifices he has made for me, his little sister Kristin. He loves me so much, even when I forget to read my scriptures one morning or say a prayer before I go to bed. He loved me even though I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. He cheers for me and rejoices in my successes. He cries with me when I start to believe the things Satan is telling me (your not pretty, your fat, you are worthless. you'll never be good enough...) He is the greatest big brother. I love to think of him that way. I love my Savior so much. I am so grateful for Him and his atoning sacrifice, for his glorious resurrection and great love for ALL of us, no matter what. I strive to be more like him. To treat others and see others the way he does.

"He is not here; for he is Risen." He lives that we may live. He loves us infinitely and we shall love others the way he does.

So yes it is hard to be the oldest sibling, but with the example and support of my Older Brother, Jesus Christ, I will continue to do the best I know how and know that I can turn to Christ when I need sisterly advice. :)