Stability, where are you?

(Warning: A lot of feeling being recorded for prosperity. I don't want my kids to think all I did before they came along was go to basketball games and have parties. I have my own challenges, just like everyone else!)

Sometimes I get a little stressed about things. Wondering if I've made or am making the right decisions. In August I made the definitive decision to leave my job as a nanny. It was a pretty easy choice as one of my girls was becoming the queen of sassy and disrespect. I also knew that since I finally had my degree I needed to use it.

I originally started to look for special education aide positions in the public school systems. To hold this position all you need is a high school diploma. Surly I as a big smart college graduate would be a shoe in for one of these jobs. When I finally got a job interview (after 4 week of unemployment) it was with a group of 25 other people. Five of which were employees of the school district looking for new placement, 15 of which had their teaching certification and a handful had masters in education. WHAT THE CRAP! Needless to say that didn't work in my favor. So I decided I needed a job, even if it wasn't the most ideal situation. I accepted a position as a Substitute teacher at a private school in the area. I have to say although it's not the most stable job (as in sometimes I don't work at all and other times I work all week) I leave work feeling SOOO happy. I feel confident in my skills as an educator and know this is what I was meant to do. I feel inspired and I love the kids I work with. I really can't put into words how much I love it. Unfortunately as I mentioned I only work a few days a week (if at all.) This is a problem ...

For one, I can't stay home 4 days a week only to work one day. Do you know what that does to a busy body like me? It makes me lazy. If I don't have a call by 6:30 in the morning I sleep in till 8. I stay in my PJ's till noon (or longer) I facebook/blog stalk, look up vacations I can't go on until I have an income I can depend on and I get slightly depressed because I'm not contributing to society. Its actually awful. I can't go hang out in the city everyday (who would I go with and how would I afford my excursion. I can't go on shopping sprees to buy new clothes, decorations, or get a pedicure. I can however go to the grocery store figure out how to eat on a dime (another downside to leaving my nanny job is now I don't bring home gourmet dinners that I didn't pay for.) Sigh... I really could go on and on about this... but I will spare you.

*Sigh...* I long for the schedule and financial stability of a job. But I L-O-V-E my job as a sub! I love teaching and without certification this is the best I can do!

I will admit, I do miss nannying at times. I miss seeing the girls everyday and I think about them often. I miss being part of a family since mine is so far away. (I miss the YMCA pass they provided me with :) I actually miss driving all over new canaan to get the girls to their activities. I don't miss changing there sheet or doing their laundry + my own. And I don't miss being treated poorly by someone 1/2 my age. But overall I do miss it. It's something I'm good at.

So I am interviewing for a few afternoon/early evening nanny positions. I'm hoping one of these positions could give me the stability that I long for. Somewhere to be every day and a set amount of money I can rely on (because my Wachovia checking account could use a bail out!)

I am really blessed to have a supportive husband. He is so wonderful about not putting pressure on me to find something more stable. He knows how much I love teaching and encourages me to do whatever it takes to stick with it. This is a blessing because I am hard enough on myself to pull my own weight around here that I can't imagine how I would feel if he was saying all the things I'm constantly thinking. I am also really lucky to have these kitties at home all day to keep me company. I seriously love these cats like they are my children and I am so glad they have taken to each other so well. Have you ever loved an animal this much?

So the morale of this story is... sometimes things are hard and you go back and forth over what is the right thing to do. And you may get discouraged and feel slightly depressed (note to self: if feeling this way, get out of your pj's {its 2pm for crying out load} take a shower and do your make up and you will feel so much better!) But as long as you read your scriptures, say your prayers and fulfill your church callings things will be ok. Money isn't important the support of your spouse and the love of your family (and kitties :) is. And as long as you have that (in my opinion) your pretty dang successful!